Every minute in the United States, almost 20 people are physically abused by a partner. According to data from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), about one in four women and one in nine men have experienced intimate partner physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking. That’s more than 10 million people each year.

These relationships don’t often start out abusive. According to Psychology Today, during the early stages of a relationship, abusers tend to “mask their abusive tendencies,” so “by the time many people notice the obvious red flags, they’re already attached to an abuser, which makes it much harder for them to leave the relationship.” Or as one anonymous survivor of domestic violence wrote for Refinery29, “Domestic abuse isn’t something of which the participants are necessarily aware [of] until it’s been pointed out by someone else.”

If you think that your relationship, or a loved one’s, may be heading towards domestic violence, here are some potential early warning signs of abuse. Remember, not all abusive relationships look the same, and a relationship doesn’t have to include every warning sign listed here to be abusive.

Extreme jealousy and possessiveness

NCDAV lists extreme jealousy and possessiveness as two early warning signs of domestic violence. In a viral Imgur post, one abuse survivor described how her husband became convinced that she was having an affair with a coworker she barely knew. The husband monitored both his wife and the coworker’s work schedules, sent her near-constant text messages while she was at work, and when she wasn’t with him, demanded that she send photos or call to prove where she was. Eventually, this jealousy escalated to physical and sexual abuse. 

Controlling what their partner wears and what they do

Another early warning sign is exerting control over what their partner wears, where they go, and how they act. The woman whose husband was convinced she was having an affair also describes how he wouldn’t let her wear clothes that fit her because they “showed off her body.”

Monitoring phone, texts, emails, and social media

According to Break the Cycle, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping young people ages 12 – 24 create a culture without abuse, a partner checking your phone without your permission is a common early sign of abuse: “The simple act of crossing someone’s boundaries by looking at their personal property without permission is what causes these actions to slip into unhealthy relationship territory.”

Cruelty to animals, children, or other family members

If your partner is sweet to you but cruel to their pets or family members, they may soon change how they treat you, too. The woman behind the viral Imgur post writes that she left the relationship after her partner harmed her dog and kitten.

Isolating their partner from friends and family

Abusers often slowly cut their partners off from access to their loved ones, according to Break the Cycle. This may start subtly, such as asking a partner to check in frequently, or telling the partner to quit hobbies because they should want to focus on the relationship. When the partner is more isolated, the abuser can escalate the abuse, and the partner will have limited access to their support system.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224 for confidential support. 

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Ever innocently wander onto Instagram’s Following tab and accidentally unearth something you, uh, didn’t necessarily want to see? Like your boyfriend commenting on his ex’s photo, you know, the one with the cliché caption about wanting what you can’t have? Anybody? If Venmo’s feed can illuminate the hard truth of who is hanging out with who, Instagram’s following tab can illuminate who wants to be hanging out with who — which is arguably juicier. Needless to say, Instagram’s Following tab, which lists the real-time activity of the accounts you follow — from their likes and comments to who they start following — is ripe with stalking fodder. But this week, it all comes to an end.

instagram got rid of the tab where u can see what people you follow are liking and honestly i’m disappointed bc I never got to fight with my boyfriend for liking an ass pic at 3 am. mostly bc I do not have a boyfriend, but

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) October 7, 2019

Instagram’s head of product, Vishal Shah, told BuzzFeed News today that Following was a feature many users didn’t know existed, and that Instagram decided to do away with it in the name of maintaining simplicity on the app. Now, instead of seeing both the Following and You tabs when you click on the heart icon on the bottom panel of your Instagram, you’ll just see your own activity. But IG stalkers, have no fear: Though the Following tab did serve as a formidable stalking tool — as evidenced by its role in revealing many celebrities relationships, such as that of Tyler Cameron and Gigi Hadid — you can still do the old fashioned Instagram stalk by diving deep into someone’s feed. Just make sure you don’t like anything from too far back. (I warn you from personal experience.)

you know what i never do is i never click over to the tab to look at what people i follow fav on instagram because i know it will DESTROY me

— Naomi Fry (@frynaomifry) August 4, 2018

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Runners, get ready to groan. The temperatures are dropping, the winter winds are just weeks away from whipping, and your heat tech running gear is calling your name. Some of you might brave the chilly, great outdoors. For others, though, this time of year means taking your runs to the treadmill. Yes, even the long ones.

Running on the tread for a long time is mentally taxing and tortuous. Especially if you’re doing serious milage because you’re training for a big race like a marathon (or you just have tons of energy to burn). It can feel like you’re sprinting on a hamster wheel of doom to nowhere — seemingly until you die. Although the act of running isn’t physically harder on a treadmill, this stagnant form of training can take a toll on your motivation and mentality, John Honerkamp, an NYC running coach and the founder and CEO of Run Kamp.

“Mentally, it’s tougher [to run long] on the treadmill — there’s no chance of scenery, and staring at yourself in the mirror gets old (at least for most of us),” Honerkamp says

However, Honerkamp has tips for keeping your spirits high and sanity intact on the dreadmill, even for 10-plus mile runs. 

Be prepared.

Have your water bottle filled up, your tennis shoes laced tightly, and your bladder empty when you start the run. Once you take a break, it can be hard to get back on.

Don’t focus on the numbers. 

The beauty and the downfall of the treadmill is it will show you exactly how far you’ve gone (and how many miles you have to go) at all times. This can psych you out mentally, especially during the early miles. 

“I try not to look at the screen too much, so covering it with a towel is a smart move,” he says. “You can always check in with the screen from time to time.” But focusing on things other than “holy cannoli, I have 13 more miles to go” can help you get through. 

Consider your goals. 

If you’re training for a marathon or half, Honerkamp says it can be helpful to visualize different parts of your upcoming course. You can also recreate a pleasant loop you’ve done in the park, if that’s easier. You also might think about your goals, whether they have to do with sticking with your pace group on race day, or doing more hills. 

Let your mind wander. 

“I also do my best thinking when I am running alone,” Honerkamp says. “You can work through a scenario at your job that’s been bugging you, or even just list out what you need from the grocery store.”

Distract yourself 

Honerkamp recommends listening to a book on tape or podcast to keep your mind occupied. “The run will go faster, and you’ll be gaining some knowledge or insight, depending on what you are listening to,” he says. 

Get a power playlist.

If your favorite podcast is in the off season (looking at you, Serial), make sure you have a lineup of bops to jam out to on the treadmill. 

If you feel like your music is getting stale, put out a call on social media asking for song recommendations for your next race. You’ll be exposed to new tunes, and you can think of the person who suggested each song when it comes on. 

Mix up your pace and incline. 

“I find that I have to vary things while on the treadmill, especially if it’s for more than 30 minutes,” Honerkamp says. “Varying pace is good, but you don’t want to run too hard on a long run. You can pick up the pace every few miles or run segments at goal pace.” 

Playing with incline can help, too, but don’t make it too steep, or you’ll be too tired to finish your full run. 

When in doubt, think about technique. 

Honerkamp says coming back to the basics and thinking about form can help if you’re in a bind for motivation. “Visualizing beating your local rival works, too,” he says. “Whatever gets you through the run.”

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Hana Vu feels 500 years old. She also feels two years old. She feels ancient because she’s been on three tours, and is gearing up for an international run this fall. She feels like a toddler because she’s only on her sophomore release (as a double-sided feature, her upcoming release, Nicole Kidman / Anne Hathaway, will count as her second and third EPs), and still feels brand-new in the world. In reality though, she’s 19, and, as of three days after her high school graduation, a new member of the esteemed “Los Angeles renters community.”

“I’ve been walking this world ever since,” she joked over the phone. She’s calling from San Francisco, having arrived moments earlier for a show later that evening with Nilufer Yanya. I’m calling to talk to her about her new song “Outside,” and its accompanying music video, both making their debut here on Refinery29’s The Drop.

In the video, Vu, from the safety of her bed —  albeit one placed on a basketball court, in a field, and later, a parking lot — sings, “And I really wanna wake up / But there’s nothing to wake up to / I know I’m better on the outside/ I don’t really see an issue.”

Directed by Vu’s friend and “At the Party” collaborator Peter Ferris Rosati, the video feels and looks like a daydream. It’s synth-y, chill, and (appropriately) extremely L.A.. Vu is alone, save for a new fish friend at the end, willingly isolating herself from friends by staying on her phone all day. As in her first EP, How Many Times Have You Driven By, there’s a thread of melancholy weaved throughout. It’s a bit sad girl pop, but better. Her songs, like “Outside,” don”t stay sad; they swell and compress likes the waves in the ocean. You can dance to it, or zone out to it, or cry to it. But after speaking with Vu, I’d say she probably wants you to laugh at it, because it’s really not that serious.

“[Ferris Rosati] was like, ‘We’re shooting you in this bed, and you’re going to do your thing.’ I don’t have a gauge for film or storytelling, so he just came up with it all,” Vu said. “I didn’t know what was going on. If he tells me too much to do then I’m going to get into my head about it. Ultimately, I’m like whatever, here’s a music video.”

Her reluctance to read too much into her work is probably because Vu has a lot of material to cover. Nicole Kidman / Anne Hathaway will feature 10 tracks, chosen from the dozens of songs in Vu’s extensive backlog of work.

“I’ve been making music since I started high school, so I was like 14. Then, I got signed when I was 17. Before that I was local gigging a lot, releasing stuff independently,” she said, adding: “I have a ton of songs. I just write a lot….not all of them are winners [but] I’m writing a lot.”

“I feel like a lot of music is coming out right now, and everything has an agenda or is trying to teach you something, but that is not really my approach to it,” she says. “I just kind of do whatever. If the song is good, someone will tell me, and we will put it out.”

And the songs are good. All 10 of them. In fact, I wish there were more, not only to hear her smart lyricism and soothing voice at work, but also to see which third legendary actress she’d pick to add to the mix.

An unlikely inspiration for the her work was The Hollywood Reporter’s Roundtable talks . Every award season, the best of the year come together to talk shop, and muse over each other’s performances. It’s a little self-indulgent, but endless entertainment for Vu. “While I was writing this album, I was watching a lot of Hollywood online content and I was watch those Actress Roundtables for hours. [I’d] ingest that information and regurgitate it out into songs.” The EP cover itself is a painting Vu did made of Hathaway accepting an award, which she later digitally altered to look like melting plastic.

Vu chose Nicole Kidman’s name for the title first, and later added Anne Hathaway when she realized she would release a double-sided EP. But why them?

Kidman is “cool,” she says, and Hathaway, to her knowledge, had never been invited to a roundtable for the site before. (She did appear in one — only one — in 2012.) She felt it was unjust, since Hathaway has delivered some incredible performances. Vu specifically points out in her battle with Helena Botham Carter in Through the Looking Glass , the way she she eats brunch in Ocean’s 8 , and that time she hosted the Oscars with James Franco, as some of her favorite Hathaway moments. Her favorite Kidman performance is when she ate bugs in a Vanity Fair video.

A full-time musician and performer now, Vu says she still honing her skills —  those that come naturally (like singing, songwriting), and those that don’t (performing, painting — we’ll get to the painting in a minute). “In theory, I never thought of myself as a performer,” she says. “You have your natural skills, and then your acquired skills. I feel it is something I am still working on actively. If I’m playing a really big show and doing a solo set it’s really funny because it’s like, these people are just watching me scream for half an hour.”

But watching Vu “scream” for half an hour is easy, because she’s also hilarious. I tell her I saw her at a show during her first tour, in the fall of 2018, and she asks if I remember the joke about the caterpillar she told. I weirdly… do. And she laughs. Even though she maintains in our interview, and in her lyrics, that she feels like a bit of a “tiny boy” outsider, she’s a natural talent, which is why she can joke about stuff like selling out shows at 17. I ask her about her evolving sound on the EPs (one yet-to-be-released song off Anne Hathaway sounds way more rockish than her previous tracks): “I don’t know. I wasn’t really trying to do anything. I think I just acquire new skills and implement them. I am two years old, and the world is my oyster.”

Check out the debut of Hana Vu’s “Outside,” exclusively on Refinery29’s The Drop.

Nicole Kidman/ Anne Hathaway releases October 25.

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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we’re tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We’re asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.

Are you a Money Diary comment leader? We want to hear from you! Email us here with a brief description of yourself and a screenshot of your comment leader status for a chance to be featured in an upcoming story.

This week a Digital Marketing Specialist working in technology who makes $57,000 per year and spends it on king-size sheets.

Occupation: Digital Marketing Specialist
Industry: Technology
Age: 24
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Salary: $57,000
Paycheck Amount (2x/month): $1,900
Gender Identity: Woman

Monthly Expenses
Mortgage: $800 (for my half — my fiancé and I just bought a condo)
Student Loans: $0 (thanks Mom and Dad!)
Car Lease: $250
Spotify/Hulu: $5
Netflix: $0 (thanks to my fiancé)
Electric: $50-$75
Gym: $90 (reimbursed by work)
Health Insurance: $0 (covered by work)
Cell Phone: $0 (staying on the family plan until my parents kick me off)

Day One

6:30 a.m. — My alarm isn’t set to go off for another 45 minutes, but somehow I’m already awake. I just didn’t sleep so well last night. Thankfully, I’m working from home today. I recently got a new job that allows me to work from home and it’s a total game changer! I see out the window that it’s really dark, and I’m wondering if it’s going to be an unusually rainy day. I throw on my clothes to take my dog out, only to realize it’s pouring rain. Poor pup will have to wait a while longer. I use my Keurig to make my morning coffee and log on to my computer.

10:15 a.m. — Budgets, budgets, budgets. It’s the end of the month, which means we are watching our marketing budget like crazy to ensure we don’t overspend or run out of budget before the end of the month. I realize I haven’t had breakfast yet, whoops! I walk the ten steps to the kitchen to heat up a Trader Joe’s Egg Bite. It’s one of my go-to quick breakfasts that’s still pretty healthy. Ever since I got engaged in March, I’ve been on a health kick.

12:30 p.m. — Lunchtime! I heat up leftovers from last night’s dinner — shwarma chicken thighs and cauliflower rice. Yum! That truly hit the spot. It’s cleared up outside, so I finally take my dog out and then get back to work. I manage some campaigns while watching Deal or No Deal re-runs in the background. I love work from home days!

4:30 p.m. — I finally log off my computer for the day. I’m meeting my friend, F., for dinner. I usually don’t go out to eat on Monday nights, but F. has been super busy on weekends so we are fitting in our dinner date where we can. I stop by Nordstrom Rack on my way to dinner to return a dress I bought a few weeks ago, but decided I don’t really love. While I’m there, I find some other items. My fiance, H. and I just bought our first home and a new king size bed to go with it so I grab an extra pair of sheets. I also pick up two candles (I’m obsessed with candles) and Becca Ultimate Coverage Foundation. I put it all on my Nordstrom Card so I can earn points. $120.49

5:30 p.m. — After I finish my shopping, I meet F. for dinner. I order a caesar salad with shrimp and she gets a chopped salad. We talk about wedding planning, my new job, and the new condo (yeah, I’ve taken on a lot this year). She tells me about her boyfriend’s new job and her work aspirations for a promotion. We laugh and enjoy the time catching up. We get separate checks to each pay for our own meal. $14.89

Daily Total: $135.38

Day Two

7:15 a.m. — I wake up to the sound of my alarm. I throw on leggings and t-shirt and take the dog out. He gets distracted by landscapers and won’t go number two. I pray he doesn’t have an accident in the new condo while I’m at work today. We get back inside and I make a cup of coffee in the Keurig. I then proceed to start my morning routine. I use my curling wand to add subtle curls to my already wavy hair. I put on primer, foundation, Urban Decay Eyeshadow primer, eyeshadow, bronzer, highlighter, blush, and mascara. I then put on a pair of jeans and a blue floral blouse. My office is pretty casual, which I would say is typical for Arizona. I grab my pre-packed breakfast and head out.

8:15 a.m. — My new office is only 10 minutes from the condo and it’s the best! I’ve always had a commute of about 25-30 minutes so this is truly a blessing for me. I get to work and start in on updating the budget spreadsheet while I eat my Oikos Triple Zero Strawberry Greek yogurt. This is my other go-to breakfast. I chat with my coworkers about their weekends since I wasn’t in the office yesterday.

11:30 a.m. — Lunchtime! I order a poke bowl from my favorite place. I get greens with salmon and shrimp topped with cucumbers, edamame, crab meat, and crispy onions ($12.35). My boss brought her dog in today (our new office is pet-friendly — the best!) and asks if I’ll pick up a bowl for her as well. She places her separate order so she won’t have to pay me back. I drive the five minutes to get our food and bring it back to the office. I eat at my desk today because I have an appointment after work and need to leave right on time. $12.35

4 p.m. — After a slow afternoon, I’m thrilled to leave work. I head over to my monthly eyebrow wax appointment, a necessity to avoid a unibrow situation. I have a package with European Wax Center so it covers the cost of my service ($20), but I tip my waxer $5. $5

4:45 p.m. — I get home just as H. is pulling in. He takes our dog out and I get started on dinner — I’m making steaks with roasted sweet potatoes. H. comes back and we chat about our days. I remind him that we have a meeting with our wedding planner tomorrow (she is a lifesaver — I don’t know how I would be able to plan this wedding without her). H. has been really involved in the whole wedding process, much more than most grooms.

8 p.m. — After dinner, we clean up the dishes and decide to cuddle up on the couch. The dog hops up to join us while we watch the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. I am obsessed with the entire Bachelor franchise and have been watching since the first season (I was like seven and have no idea why my parents allowed me to watch it). The finale is three hours with the reunion so it’s pretty late by the time we finish. I wash my face with Cetaphil and add some Rosehip oil and moisturizer and then it’s lights out around 10:30.

Daily Total: $17.35

Day Three

7:15 a.m. — Alarm goes off. Same morning routine — take the dog out, do hair and make-up, get dressed, and out the door. When I arrive at work, my boss isn’t in yet. She usually doesn’t get to work until closer to 9. I spend a little time reading Money Diaries and going through my emails. I like to ease into the workday.

11:30 a.m. — It’s lunchtime! I work dangerously close to a TJ Maxx and have a bad habit of going over there to browse during my lunch break. I find a mini size of my Drybar dry shampoo and stick it in my cart. I also find dish towels and a cute coffee mug. The total comes out to $32.89 and I think this is the least I’ve ever spent here. I head back to the office and heat up my leftovers to eat at my desk. $32.89

4 p.m. — The rest of the afternoon passes slowly. For some reason, the mornings just go by so much quicker than the afternoons. I leave right around 4 to head to our meeting with our wedding planner. I’m so excited to really get started on the planning.

4:30 p.m. — We meet with our wedding planner, L., at a local cafe. I’m not hungry, but I order an iced peach tea to sip on while we discuss finalizing our band contract and deciding on a videographer. H. wants to have a videographer that uses drones to capture a wider view of the venue. Of course, these are the details he cares most about. We spend an hour browsing videographers, but don’t end up choosing one. $3.56

5:45 p.m. — We are home for the day! H. takes the dog out while I get dinner going. Tonight I’m making sautéed shrimp with caesar salad. Not super exciting, but it’s fast and healthy. After we eat, I put together my leftovers for lunch tomorrow and clean up around the kitchen. I decide to FaceTime my parents since I haven’t spoken to them in a few days. They live back in my hometown, about 2,000 miles away from me so I try to speak to them a few times a week. After we hang up, I curl up into bed with Cosmopolitan magazine and read until I get too tired. Lights out around 10:15.

Daily Total: $36.45

Day Four

7:15 a.m. — It’s Thursday and payday! I have some bills due so I use my paycheck to take care of those. H. will Venmo me his half when he gets paid next.

8:15 a.m. — I arrive at work and there’s already some drama about managers stepping on each other’s toes. I know this is going to add stress to my day. On top of it, the screen protector on my phone has cracked — better than the screen itself I suppose. I order a new three-pack on Amazon ($11.78). It will arrive tomorrow so I just have to be very careful with my phone until then. $11.78

2 p.m. — I was right. Today has been a bit of a rough day, but I’m making it through. I’m a bit of an internal optimist so I try to keep things light and positive. We have a meeting with the team and then I take a walk to clear my head.

4:15 p.m. — Out for the day! I have no plans after work today and I kick myself for not bringing my gym clothes. I find that exercise helps relieve stress, but it looks like today won’t be the day. I could go home and get my gym clothes, but it’s out of the way from the gym and once I’m home, I typically don’t want to go back out. I get home and plop down on the couch with my dog. I pet him and try to calm myself. I really wish I could have a big glass of wine, but I’m not drinking as part of my new health plan.

5:30 p.m. — H. gets home from work with Chipotle bowls for dinner, which he pays for. I get a chicken bowl with lettuce, cheese, and black beans. It’s delicious and I’m thankful that I don’t have to cook after such a long day. After dinner, I put on my favorite hair mask that makes my hair feel like silk and take a long, hot shower. I put on my comfiest pajamas and get into bed early. Lights out by 9:30 because I’m just exhausted.

Daily Total: $11.78

Day Five

7:15 a.m. — Friday is here! I’m so excited for the weekend because we have a lot of fun plans. I am an extreme extrovert and I thrive in social situations. Today, my company is providing lunch so I don’t bring one with me. I pack up my yogurt for breakfast and head into the office. The morning passes quickly. We have an all-staff meeting that takes about an hour and then I have a lot of work to finish.

11:30 a.m. — Lunch is here! It’s make-your-own-tacos from a local Mexican food chain. I put some lettuce in my bowl with carnitas, cheese, veggies, and black beans. Delicious! After lunch, I get back to work. My boss has brought in her foster puppy and he’s the cutest little thing. He keeps running around and hiding under my desk. I debate whether I should adopt him, but decide not to because we have our hands full with our dog and our new condo doesn’t mix with a not potty-trained puppy.

4 p.m. — The end of the day! It’s finally the weekend, woohoo! We have plans for a double date with H.’s friend and his girlfriend. I head home to take the pup out before dinner. H. arrives home and we head to the Italian restaurant where we are meeting friends. I order a salad with mixed greens, chopped nuts, feta cheese, and shrimp. H. orders a pizza ($32.56 with tip). He pays. We enjoy some conversation with friends and talk about our upcoming wedding. We haven’t seen them since we got engaged so they ask to see my ring and want to know all about wedding planning. I indulge them with some details we have planned. We end the night around 9 because we’re all pretty tired from the work week. We get home around 9:30 and go right to bed.

Daily Total: $0

Day Six

8 a.m. — I hate that I can’t sleep in much anymore. I slowly make my way out of bed and kiss H. good morning. We cuddle for a few minutes before getting up. We are going to see H.’s nephew’s hockey practice this morning. I throw on clothes and grab a sweater since it will be cold in the ice rink. We meet H.’s parents and brother at the ice rink. It’s so cute watching H.’s little nephew skate.

11 a.m. — When skating practice is over, we head to the grocery store. H. and I typically do our big grocery trips on Saturdays. We buy apples, bananas, strawberries, cotton candy grapes (the best, you have to try them), steaks, chicken, almond milk, eggplant, cauliflower florets, sweet potatoes, ground beef, pickles, parmesan cheese, and Greek yogurt. H. and I split the cost. $65.89

1 p.m. — We get home from the grocery store and put all the groceries away. I call my best friend, B. and we reminisce about our recent girl’s trip and talk about our plans to meet up over Thanksgiving. I make a big effort to keep in touch with my old friends because I live so far away. Like I said, I’m a social butterfly. My friends and family mean everything to me.

5:30 p.m. — I start getting ready because H. is taking me on a date tonight to my favorite restaurant. I love it when we spend quality time together. I touch up my makeup and get dressed in a comfortable dress with a jean jacket. We head out to make our dinner reservation on time. I order my favorite dish there, skirt steak with maple bourbon sweet potatoes. It’s so good and I end up taking some home. H. pays ($76.54 with tip). After dinner, we go to the movies to see Hustlers. The movie reaffirms that J-Lo is truly ageless, but we both think the movie is just okay ($25 for movie tickets). I pay since H. paid for dinner. After the movie, I’m pretty wiped so we go home and get ready for bed. $25

Daily Total: $90.89

Day Seven

8:30 a.m. — I love Sundays! Mostly because I usually don’t plan a whole lot and get a chance to relax at home with my dog. As much as I’m an extrovert, I still need my downtime. I make coffee in the Keurig and then make some scrambled eggs and bacon for H. and I. He is so thankful that I made breakfast. His love language is definitely acts of service!

10 a.m. — I lounge around the house for most of the morning. I put a load of laundry in the washing machine and watch old reruns of Friends in my PJs. I love Friends — I consider myself mostly a Monica with a little Rachel mixed in. When the washer buzzes, I move the clothes to the dryer and decide I should probably get out of my pajamas for the day.

1 p.m. — After getting dressed, I head out to my manicure appointment. I’m extremely loyal to my manicurist, as she’s the only one who can make my nails actually last two weeks without chipping. I get the dip polish and today I pick a plummy purple. After all, fall is coming! My nails turn out great and I leave satisfied per usual. $45

2:30 p.m. — Home! H. has fallen asleep on the couch. The dog hears me come in and follows me into the bedroom to watch me put away the laundry. Yes, I’m the person who puts away the laundry the same day she does the wash. I told you I’m a Monica! Just as I’m finishing up, H. wakes from his nap. We cuddle and talk about what things we still need for the house. We debate whether to buy these items or wait to register for them for our wedding. We decide to wait for now. We spend the rest of the day hanging out at home, enjoying a quiet Sunday.

Daily Total: $45

Money Diaries are meant to reflect individual women’s experiences and do not necessarily reflect Refinery29’s point of view. Refinery29 in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.

The first step to getting your financial life in order is tracking what you spend — to try on your own, check out our guide to managing your money every day. For more money diaries, click here.

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Victoria’s Secret has finally added a plus size model to its line-up. But for many former fans of the brand, it’s too little, too late. In the past year, the lingerie behemoth has already had to cancel its fashion show, and contend with the stain of billionaire investor Jeffrey Epstein‘s affiliation with the brand, as it’s alleged that he preyed on would-be Victoria’s Secret models. Not to mention the emergence of inclusive lingerie brands like Aerie, ThirdLove, and Rihanna’s Savage X Fenty which staged its own dynamic Savage x Fenty fashion show last month, putting the nail in Victoria’s Secret’s coffin.

After former L Brands chief marketing officer Ed Razek told Vogue magazine that Victoria’s Secret had no interest in casting plus or transgender models in its holiday-themed fashion show, VS has been scrambling to redeem their reputation in the eyes of the public. Over the summer, the label hired its first transgender model, Valentina Sampaio, and on Monday, it casted curve model Ali Tate Cutler in the Bluebella for Victoria’s Secret campaign. “I believe I’m the first size 14 to work on @VictoriasSecret,” Cutler wrote, sharing the big news on Instagram. “I’m pretty stoked to work with a brand I idolized when I was a teen,” Cutler continued. “Great step in the right direction for bodies.” 

But is it? Cutler’s history with body positivity suggests otherwise. In 2016, the model posted an inflammatory Instagram comment in response to Alysse Dalessandro‘s article “11 Reasons Your ‘Concern’ for Fat People’s Health Isn’t Helping Anyone.” “Sorry but I don’t care about people’s health who are fat, that’s their own prerogative and their own life to lead,” Cutler’s statement opened, according to Ragen Chastain‘s blog, Dances With Fat. “They are free to make their own choices. I am a staunch feminist, followed by a close second environmentalist. While some people are genetically obese and are vegetarian, and eating relatively low carbon foot print foods, most obese people are not.”

Cutler continued: “I do care about the excessive amounts of carbon, nitrous oxide, and methane gases it takes to produce a large person; the amount of animals that have been killed; the amount of exploitation that is going on to create fat. That’s not even being mentioned. Being obese is simply bad for the environment, and in this day and age, we cannot afford that lack of empathy anymore.” Fashionista EIC Tyler McCall drew attention to the Cutler’s comments on Twitter, saying: “Ali is… hmmm maybe not the best first plus representative to choose, considering she’s developed a reputation as being fat-shaming.” 

some buried ledes here:
Ali appears to have been brought on by Bluebella, with whom she’s worked before, NOT by VS

Ali is… hmmm maybe not the best first plus representative to choose, considering she’s developed a reputation as being fat-shaming (https://t.co/5q7b2Knne1) https://t.co/kwZ8JuxuFT

— Tyler McCall (@eiffeltyler) October 7, 2019

While a more inclusive model cast is a step forward from the brand, some shoppers feel that once again, the lingerie retailer has missed the mark.

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The first study definitively linking vaping to cancer was published yesterday. Researchers at New York University found a link between e-cigarette nicotine vapor and lung and bladder cancer in mice.

During the study, which was funded by the National Institutes of Health and published in Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), researchers exposed 40 mice to e-cigarette smoke with nicotine over the course of 54 weeks, and 20 mice to e-cigarette smoke without nicotine over the course of four years. Nine of the 40 mice (or 22.5%) exposed to nicotine developed lung adenocarcinomas, and 23 (or 57.5%) developed pre-cancerous lesions on their bladders. None of the mice exposed to e-cig smoke without nicotine developed cancer.

“It’s foreseeable that if you smoke e-cigarettes, all kinds of disease comes out,” the study’s lead researcher, Moon-Shong Tang, PhD, of NYU School of Medicine, told CNBC. “Long term, some cancer will come out, probably. E-cigarettes are bad news.” 

The study emerges amid reports of illnesses and deaths associated with vaping, which led the Center for Disease Control and Prevention to issue a health warning, several states to ban e-cigarettes, and President Trump to announce plans for a national ban on flavored e-cigarettes. However, critics of the ban say that the illnesses and deaths are tied to bootleg marijuana vaping products rather than people using e-cigarettes as intended.

The Vapor Technology Association disputed the findings of the new study, pointing to a 2015 study that found that e-cigarettes were 95% less harmful than cigarettes.

Dr. Tang admitted that there are limitations to the study — the mice were exposed to smoke outside their bodies instead of inhaling it like humans would, for example — and the results in mice can’t be directly compared to the results in humans. However, while he acknowledged that more research is needed, he said that the results are “statistically very significant” and indicate that it’s unlikely that e-cigarettes are safe for humans.

It’ll take at least 10 more years before we fully understand the effects of vaping, Dr. Tang added to Gizmodo. “It takes two decades or more for a life-time smoker to develop lung cancer,” he said. “If tobacco smoke-induced lung carcinogenesis is a paradigm for e-cig carcinogenicity, then it will take at least another decade to have e-cig-related human lung cancer to show up.”

Next, the researchers plan to expand the study by including more mice, varying the exposure times, and investigating the genetic changes caused by e-cigarette smoke.

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Yesterday, Simone Biles took home her 21st medal at the world gymnastics championships, breaking the record for the most medals won overall by a female gymnast at the event. She previously was tied with Russian gymnast Svetlana Khorkina, and is just two medals short of male Belarusian gymnast Vitaly Scherbo’s record of 23, according to the New York Times.

“Every year it feels better and better just because we’re adding to the legacy,” Biles told the Times. “I feel like I never think of records. I just go out there and do what I came to do, which is compete for the country.”

Thanks in large part to 22-year-old Biles, the American gymnastics team took home their seventh consecutive team title at a world championships or Olympics, scoring 172.330 points — 5.801 more than the runner-up Russian team.

Biles has already broken plenty of records, including holding the most Gymnastics World Championships of any gender. Earlier this week, two of her signature moves — the triple-double and a double-double dismount from the balance beam — were named after her by USA Gymnastics (though the Federation of International Gymnastics needs to give approval before it’s official). 

But Biles told NBC Sports she’s not keeping track of her accolades: “Whatever the medal haul at the end is, it’s whatever it is.”

Although she’s at the top of her game, this will likely be Biles’ last world championships: she’s previously said she plans to retire after the 2020 Olympics. “Sometimes I wish I would quit,” she told NBC Sports at the world championships. “The other day, we walked out there, and I was like, I literally hate this feeling, and I don’t know why I keep forcing myself to do it. I hate that feeling like I’m going to puke before. But, you know, we love the thrill of it. Reminds me to never give up because one day I won’t have the opportunity to get that feeling.”

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Masturbation helps you learn what you like sexually, plus, it just feels good. But did you know that masturbation can help your mental health, too? While masturbation alone isn’t an effective treatment for any mental health condition, it can relieve some symptoms, such as stress and difficulty sleeping. 

“Orgasms are truly amazing things,” Vanessa Marin, sex therapist and creator of Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm, previously told Refinery29. “[But] if you have any real concerns about your mental health, you’re better suited talking to a therapist and coming up with a more comprehensive care plan. [Masturbation won’t] obliterate crippling depression.”

In other words, masturbation shouldn’t be the only item on your mental health treatment plan — it’s not a cure-all. But here’s what it can do.

How masturbation affects your brain

When you masturbate, your body releases a number of “feel-good” hormones called endorphins, and although studies differ on exactly how, research indicates that it also affects the prefrontal cortex of your brain.

How does masturbation affect my mood?

Masturbation makes you feel good — and we’re not just talking about the physical pleasure. When your body releases endorphins, you feel a temporary mood boost, too. According to Psychology Today, you can thank dopamine and oxytocin in particular for the feelings of high spirits and satisfaction.

Can masturbation relieve stress and anxiety?

Studies show that the presence of oxytocin lowers the levels of another hormone — cortisol, which is associated with high stress. Some people find that masturbation’s stress-fighting effects also work for managing anxiety.  “After an orgasm, I am also much calmer, and I’ve found that it’s actually a fantastic way to stimulate the brain,” one woman wrote for Refinery29.

Does masturbation help with depression?

Anecdotally, some people with depression say that the mood boost provided by masturbation can temporarily alleviate their symptoms, but this hasn’t been sufficiently studied yet.

Can masturbation help you fall asleep?

Oxytocin, along with prolactin, another hormone released during masturbation, makes you feel relaxed, so masturbation can be an all-natural sleep aid. A German health insurance company even released an ad promoting masturbation as a way to get a good night’s sleep. 

Can masturbation help your self-esteem?

According to Planned Parenthood, masturbation can help improve your body image and self-esteem. This makes sense: masturbation is a great way to get to know your body better and appreciate all that it can do.

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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we’re tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We’re asking women how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.

Today: a Program Manager working in Sustainability who makes $52,000 per year and spends some of her money this week on King Arthur All-Purpose Flour.

Occupation: Program Manager
Industry: Sustainability
Age: 25
Location: Central Vermont
Salary: $52,000
Paycheck Amount (2x/month): $1,646.61 (post-tax)
Gender Identity: Woman

Monthly Expenses
Rent: $625 (Two-bedroom waterfront condo that I share with my boyfriend. He pays slightly more than I do and covers monthly utility costs due to having a significantly higher income.)
Loans: $0
Health Insurance: $0 (I am still covered by my parents)
Car + Motorcycle Payment/Insurance: $0 (I own my car and motorcycle and my parents cover me on a basic car insurance plan.)
Phone: $0 (Thanks, parents.)
Hulu/Netflix/HBOGo/Amazon Prime: $12 (I don’t pay for any of these subscriptions directly, but throw $4/month at the subscription owners as a thank you.)
New York Times Subscription: $4
Billie Razors: $3
Spotify: $10.69
MyFitnessPal Premium: $10.69
iCloud 50GB Storage: $0.99
Roth IRA Contribution: $200 (My current employer does not offer any match until my one-year anniversary, so I choose not to contribute to the plan until that date.)
Personal Savings: $500-$1,000 into a HYSA

Annual Expenses:
Motorcycle and Renters Insurance: $135
Heat: $300 (for my half of a top off of our oil tank)

Day One

9 a.m. — I wake up from a melatonin sleep and my boyfriend, K., is gone. I see however that he moved his pillow to the window for my dog, Y., to gaze out of and let the cool fall air blow on his face. Very cute. I love them both.

9:28 a.m. — K. returns with breakfast — local sourdough buns, local eggs, sausage, Cabot cheddar, and Heart Roasters coffee. My hero! He usually makes us the best breakfast sandwiches on the weekend. We settle into the couch for an episode of Queer Eye, one of our favorite shows to watch together. I’ve been on a 90 Day Fiancé kick lately and I think he appreciates the shake up.

1:30 p.m. — Our ski passes provide gondola access during the offseason, and the foliage is pretty nice right now so we decide to be tourists and check it out. K. and I go to the convenience store to fuel up his truck at the gas station, put air in the tires, and buy me a Gatorade and a Kind breakfast bar. We listen to an 80’s power ballad playlist as we drive to the mountain.

3 p.m. — It’s hilariously cloudy at the summit considering we came up here to see foliage. Like, pea soup cloudy. I have chamomile tea and K. has a Manhattan. The bar is nice, but the bartender seems like she has had a rough shift and the family sitting next to us also has a hungry and cranky mom in tow, and they’re just adding fuel to the fire. K. politely pays our check and we stroll around outside as it starts to clear up. It’s fun to walk our favorite backcountry routes while there is no snow on the ground. We grab the last gondola down the mountain at 4:30 and joke about taking a $700 gondola ride (if you consider the fact that we have not skied yet this year).

5:05 p.m. — K. is craving buffalo wings and I’ve never been one to deny him that, so we hit our favorite bar on the way back. I’m not super hungry but should eat so I have a half order of bone-in wings of the hottest variety and a Miller High Life. We convince the bartender to put the Bruins game on — he is a Canadiens fan and not thrilled by our request, but he obliges. K. pays and we head home.

7:45 p.m. — While K. readies his motorcycle for a big ride tomorrow, I do some online shopping. Last year I challenged myself not to purchase any new clothing and to make the most of a Rent the Runway subscription while I was in a different job that had frequent events and parties and required me to dress well in client-facing situations. I purged a ton of old clothes in the process and bought nothing new. The problem is I now have zero warm pieces and my subscription has been canceled for the last five or six months. I go back to the RTR website, but it looks like they had an operations meltdown and are only taking customers for waitlist now? Makes sense, I had my share of issues with delivery when I was a member.

8:30 p.m. — Shopping is as frustrating and boring as it ever was, I will bake brownies instead. My diet really has not been good lately and I want to make it a goal this week to get back on track with my typically healthy eating habits. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed and overwhelmed with the recent cancer diagnosis of my brother who lives extremely far away, and trying to balance being a supportive partner to K., whose mom is approaching the end of her life after two years with advanced-stage cancer. Eating well feels like a chore, but on the other hand, not eating well has only made everything feel much worse.

10 p.m. — Just a couple tips for those who love fudgy, dense, rich brownies: a teaspoon or two of espresso powder will make a huge difference. And that shiny, flaky, crusty top you love on bakeshop brownies can be achieved by melting the butter and then dissolving in your sugar, which in turn will melt your chocolate chips when you stir them in as long as the butter is HOT but not bubbling. Brownies take eons to cool and the first cut is crumbly because I don’t want to torture K. by making him wait two hours for the full cool. This is a huge step for me, sacrificing the aesthetics of my baked creations. I will let it go because they are brownies and not a decorative cake.

11 p.m. — A third of the pan of brownies is gone. No regrets. Honestly, I only had two but K. went to town. We watch Fire Walk With Me (K. rents it). Both of us are huge fans of Twin Peaks. This movie explains so much. I know it will give me nightmares but I finish it anyway and take a melatonin to help me sleep.

Daily Total: $0

Day Two

8:30 a.m. — I’m convinced that sleep aids make me have wackier dreams than usual. K. and I cuddle in bed for a little while before I get up to wash my hair and K. makes breakfast sandwiches to finish off the last of the good bread.

11:45 a.m. — It is the most gorgeous day for a motorcycle ride! Even though I’m not riding my own bike because I have a lot of anxiety about group rides, I follow K. in my car with the dog to say hi to friends and be in proximity to errands. Over three years together and we’ve managed to maintain fairly separate social groups with a few exceptions. The cafe where they are meeting up to kick off the ride is selling a latte to benefit a local nonprofit. It has carrot juice in it and it is amazing. Like if a pumpkin spice latte had a cool older sister who moved from Indiana to Seattle and wears MM LaFleur. $7

12:45 p.m. — I head out to go grocery shopping. First, I put gas in my car ($25) and then I stop at Market32 for some canned veggies and beans, King Arthur All-Purpose flour, kale, limes, apples, and an onion ($14.17). I’m doing the other half of my shopping at Trader Joe’s, only because I want exactly one novelty item — cauliflower gnocchi. I’ve heard good things and I need an easy win for lunch this week. I also buy chicken thighs, chicken sausage, parmesan, milk, butter, eggs, brussels sprouts, seltzer, and RxBars ($35.87). $75.04

4 p.m. — The ride wraps up at a downtown brewery. I came undecided on whether to drink or not, but the brewery has a low alcohol, easy-drinking beer on the menu, so I order one each for K. and I. We get into a long conversation with a very jolly local dentist and his girlfriend who try and convince me to interview for an open position at their growing practice. I’m not cut out for office management, but I have always thought about going to dental school. Teeth are sort of cool? I’m quite happy in my job so it’s not really a serious conversation. We leave around 5:30. $12

6 p.m. — I spend the evening preparing lunch for the week — cauliflower gnocchi gets pan sautéed in butter, chicken sausages are grilled on the porch, and kale gets braised. I do all the prep in 25 minutes flat and feel successful for the week ahead. K. wants to go watch the sunset at our favorite waterfront bar, and we get there just in time. He buys us $2 drafts and we hold hands on Adirondack chairs on the beach while watching the sun disappear behind the mountains.

8 p.m. — K. had an enormous food truck lunch at the brewery so I make a freezer meal of dumplings for me and a batch of basmati rice I’m sure we will eat at some point this week. After leaving two brownies out of the pan, I cut the rest of the batch up and wrap them on a plate to take to work. My coworkers have a love/hate relationship with my hobby. After watching a few scenes of The Fifth Element, we go to bed around 9:15.

Daily Total: $94.04

Day Three

6:45 a.m. — I am awoken by a chirping smoke alarm in the second bedroom. The dog is bothered by it and seems concerned with my safety, so he supervises my shower. It’s a rather chilly 59 degrees inside. We just got our oil tank filled, but try to go until November to turn the heat on, so temptation will have to wait. Slippers will do. I pack my lunch and snacks and make coffee in the Chemex. I do not have any small tupperware for the shredded cheese I want to put on my gnocchi in, so I find a shot glass and wrap it in cling plastic, toss it in my bag, and I am ready to go. No time for eggs this morning so I have a chocolate sea salt RxBar on my commute.

9:25 a.m. — Payday came and tomorrow is the first of the month, so I pay off my Mastercard in full and send rent to K. like I always do. Because the fuel truck came last week, I also send him my half so he can pay the invoice (noted in my annual expenses). I used to pay $100-$150 a month for heat during peak months of winter when I lived in an old, poorly insulated apartment as a student and that has always been built into my budget. So when I moved in with K. it was an already built-in expense — it’s just annual now.

10:30 a.m. — I eat an apple with peanut butter for my snack and see a notification from my insurance informing me that they will not be covering any more 30-day refills of my prescription and I need it TODAY. My doctor’s office responds by telling me they won’t front a 90-day prescription until I come back for my check-in, but they didn’t have any available until the end of October when I scheduled in June, so…..???

12:30 p.m. — I have to say, I had my doubts, but the cauliflower gnocchi is good. I take my shot glass full of Parmesan (big mood) into the kitchen and heat up my kale, sausage, and “pasta” and eat quickly so I can try to have a productive afternoon.

1:29 p.m. — The coworker I share a very thin wall with loves to hum and sing at her desk for HOURS at a time. When she hums, it is to no recognizable tune. It’s just making noises. I want to bang on the wall I’m feeling so irritable, because I’m apparently incapable of grown up communication when it comes to saying things that bother me to my coworkers. Instead I just self soothe with a brownie and read a Money Diary. I really just need to find a way to approach her like the mature adult I know I am deep, deep down inside somewhere.

4:49 p.m. — Shamefully, I admit this was a totally unproductive day. I did manage to complete my beast of an expense report and submit it on time though. My best friend invited me to yoga on Wednesday and I bailed on her last week due to poor time management and still feel really bad, so I sign up for the class now on MindBody to hold myself 100% accountable. $10

5:38 p.m. — I head out for the day and go to Costco. Of course, the first things I see when I enter are a weighted blanket and new silicone oven mitts. Both things I have been thinking about nonstop all summer. With my brother so far away and so sick, I feel guilty spending money on anything that couldn’t go towards a plane ticket or something else that is somehow constructive to supporting my family. But I realize I have to take care of myself too. The guilt is very real though — being the family member on the other side of the country avoiding the realness of cancer and all the sadness and isolation it bestows.

5:45 p.m. — When I arrive at the prescription window, I learn my insurance is now rejecting the 90-day refill I had to pester my doctor to give me. The American healthcare system really knows how to keep things interesting. I fill for 30. The pharmacy tech thinks it’s probably them trying to get me to use a mail order pharmacy. Sounds less convenient and fun than me getting to go to Costco at least once a month and eating samples of taquitos from old ladies who slip me double servings. $4

6:15 p.m. — K. texts me while I am at Costco to let me know his brother is in town and wants to have dinner with us. I stop home to take care of the dog and then meet them at a bar downtown. I have to pay for parking ($2.30). I stick to club soda all night and have an Impossible Burger for dinner — before today I’d yet had the opportunity to try one. I’m a big fan of red meat, but am making a conscious effort to live the values I work to advance in my job. There is a fair amount of fear-mongering around genetic engineering in today’s culture and I try to examine it regularly. The fact of the matter is that it is a huge privilege to be selective with your diet. But whether we like it or not, genetic engineering and food science will play a fundamental role in sustaining an exploding global population depleting natural resources much faster than we can replenish them. So, getting used to burgers made in a lab seems like a step in the right direction. K. and his brother split the bill. $2.30

9:30 p.m. — We play keep away with the dog and share some chocolate before going to bed early. I’m determined to get back to my normal wake up schedule.

Daily Total: $16.30

Day Four

7:30 a.m. — Okay, so I tried. I did get a fantastic night’s sleep, which I’m feeling good about. Today I’m washing my hair, so it’s a bit of a rush to get everything ready for the day — pack my lunch/snacks, make eggs for breakfast, and take care of the dog. Before my brother got sick and my family sort of became chaotic, I was so much more organized in life. I went to the gym at 5 a.m., totally killed it at work, maintained a healthy social life, packed my damn lunches at night. Depression took over and I’m trying to ride it out and keep up as best as I can with my still-new job. Bad season for me right now, I guess. Normally I take the dog to work on Tuesdays, but we have a coworker visiting this week from another office and I want to be considerate in case they do not like dogs or have an allergy. I have to let him down easy and let him know he will not be joining me at work. He watches me pull out of the driveway from my bedroom and it breaks my heart.

11:38 a.m. — Today is already proving to be a stressful day. I eat some oatmeal I brought with powdered peanut butter, cinnamon, and a diced apple.

2 p.m. — After wrapping up a one-on-one with my manager I heat up the same lunch I had yesterday and read the Mexico City Money Diary. I like to think this could be my life. I love my little life in Vermont and all the quaintness of my garden, my neighbor’s goats, cross country skiing in my backyard. But do you ever feel sometimes like you are living a life that is not completely your own? Nothing like grief and a personal crisis to make you question your purpose.

3:30 p.m. — Dinner feels far, so I eat peanut butter out of the jar and drink the remainder of the seltzer I opened two days ago. I’m really in a zone with my work today, making progress with some pesky things I have been avoiding. My coworker just returned from Thailand and brought back a bag of dried Durian, which I have the nerve to open because “it can’t be that bad.” The smell of sweet garbage and sweaty socks smacks me in the face with the force of a dump truck coming in hot to the landfill as soon as the vacuum-sealed package comes to life. I plug my nose and chew off a small piece, but the smell of trash really just ruins it all for me. I palate cleanse with Cheez-Its.

7:30 p.m. — We take our visiting coworker out for dinner and it is a testosterone-filled meal that I cannot handle. The conversation switches to talking about another coworker’s friend who has cancer and I politely excuse myself to avoid this triggering topic. Work pays for my meal and I head home as soon as I can.

8:45 p.m. — My least favorite chore is dishes, but it would be so mean to leave these for K., so I unload the dishwasher and take care of the small amount in the sink in ten minutes, and then I get myself ready for bed. My dog tricks me into feeding him, acting like he hasn’t eaten in days. I find this out when K. texts to inform me that he has already been fed. It’s a torrential downpour outside so we get super wet because I’m too lazy to look for an umbrella before I take him outside to pee. I have two pieces of chocolate and one melatonin before I put on an oversized shirt K. left out and go to sleep.

Daily Total: $0

Day Five

7:05 a.m. — I wake up with a vague memory of K. coming in last night after his night with a friend, giving me a kiss, and telling me hed had a Quarter Pounder waiting for him on the table, which made me laugh hysterically while I was half asleep. The McDonald’s bag still on the table confirms this. He left early for the gym today and I get up a little early too — only to realize that I forgot laundry in the dryer and it never fully dried, so it smells mildewy :(. The worst. Rewash. My neglect of laundry and resulting waste of resources probably cancels out whatever I conserve by eating Impossible burgers. I scrounge up an outfit and do all the morning things. I use the last Chemex filter to make coffee. It always feels like an accomplishment to finish a box of 100 filters.

9 a.m. — This morning I remember I own a really nice pair of headphones and bring them to work to drown out the annoying and incessant male voice that won’t stop seeping through my thin wall adjacent to the conference room. My productivity today skyrockets.

11 a.m. — Second breakfast is oatmeal with powdered peanut butter, cinnamon, and dried cranberries with a hint of honey. My boss and I have a casual chat and one of my work friends stops by my office to present me with delicata squash from her garden. I can’t wait to make this into a pie!

12 p.m. — Before I got to work this morning I decided I was going to take a half-day from home. After touching base with my boss and packing up my things I head back home and greet the dog, change into an even schlumpier outfit than I wore this morning, and make space on my couch to take my next call.

2:15 p.m. — My mom texted me while I was on the tail end of my call and I made the mistake of reading it. She is updating to let me know that my brother was rushed to the hospital due to some complications of the drugs he received a few days ago. My breathing and heart rate pick up and I know where this is headed, but I stick out the last few minutes and by the time the call is over I am a bit calmer. I want to respond like I’m angry: “don’t text me the heavy shit in the middle of the day with no warning!” But I know I am just sad and afraid. And my urge to distance myself from my parents who are facing this in a more reality-based way than I am is just telling of my avoidance of grief and loss. The first and only experience I have with death was really traumatic: a very dear loved one died by suicide. It still hurts, and I’m scared to be hurt again, which just feels silly because we all die. I manage to respond calmly and say something supportive.

2:30 p.m. — It’s obvious that I need a break. I put together a batch of white chicken chili. This is a comfort food from my childhood and it feels good to eat familiar things lately.

4 p.m. — My brother and I exchange some texts. We talk about boredom and some of the bummer side effects of treatment. I want to send him a big and complicated puzzle, but he has no permanent address at the moment so he asks me to hold off on sending something so it doesn’t turn into a burden to retrieve. I manage to knock out some emails and get a lot of work done.

4:50 p.m. — I start making chili and decide I need to make cornbread to go with it. I love heating up my cast iron pan before baking, the edges get nice and crispy. While it bakes I have an apple with peanut butter to hold me over until dinner. The cornbread is pulled just in time for me to head to my yoga class — I almost burn myself on a spot where my hot hand is worn (should have bought the silicone mitts at Costco). I lay a less worn oven mitt next to the handle so K. doesn’t accidentally grab it with his bare hands when he comes home.

7:10 p.m. — Wow my body feels tight. I’m glad my friend invited me, it was a good class. This teacher is all about wild arm balances that I can never do, but I always give it my best effort. I stir in the last of the ingredients to my crockpot and let them heat up while the cornbread warms in the oven. K. and I talk for a couple hours over dinner, and I go to sleep with the support of melatonin around 9:45.

Daily Total: $0

Day Six

6:35 a.m. — One of the more bothersome inconveniences of having a sick family member far away is the travel plans you made four months ago get disrupted. This morning’s anxiety is brought to you by remembering that I bought an $800 non-changeable, non-refundable ticket home for Thanksgiving for the first time in three years and because of treatments, home is not where it usually is. I always buy travel insurance but have never had to use it, so I hope that it pays out so I can rework my travel plans. I’ve never felt like insurance was designed to work for the consumer, it feels more like a scam, but it is probably worth a call.

8:15 a.m. — I somehow manage to get out the door early with packed meals and the dog. I thought that by leaving at this hour I would have more than enough time to stop at my usual cafe to pick up more beans and a coffee, but a farmer is moving his stubborn cows to another pasture across the road and it delays me significantly. For some, this would be an inconvenience but I have a meat share from this farm so I’m happy to see the heifers are getting fresh grass this morning. Once the girls are safely in their pasture I move along.

9 a.m. — Specialty coffee is not cheap, but once you’re caught on to the taste it is hard to turn back to the cheap stuff. I’ve become friendly with these baristas and they give me a free coffee with my purchase. I also give them a nice tip, and then I’m off to work. I have a sea salt RxBar for breakfast on the way. $21.55

11:47 a.m. — My morning has been pretty busy with internal meetings but I find fifteen minutes to navigate through Allianz Global Assistance’s dense and winding phone tree to finally connect with a customer service rep. As expected, they are not terribly helpful in helping me interpret my policy. I stare at $1,100 plane tickets to my new destination and have a sinking feeling. Why is insurance confusing? And horrible? And why do airlines suck? Should I tweet about it? Is that how people get what they want these days? Should I even go? Who am I to just appear once or twice a year and ask people to accommodate me?

2 p.m. — I heat up my sausage, gnocchi, and kale and eat at my desk.

4 p.m. — On Thursday’s we wrap up early and have a happy hour in the common space which is right outside my office. I want to work but I’m distracted so I hang out for a bit and eat an apple, everyone plays with my dog and feeds him treats. I finally leave at 4:25 to take my suffering office plant to the nursery for some advice.

5:30 p.m. — Turns out my philodendron was just root bound. Honestly, not what I expected. I was advised not to repot it when it came home with me three months ago. I’m glad though because it will look much nicer in my office in its new decorative home. And boy do I love the smell of fresh potting soil. When I get it in the house, I put it in the shower for a good soak to help the transition. $26.73

6:30 p.m. — Tradition brings us to my college town co-op’s annual member dinner. I pay for parking ($6.30). I live sort of far away and rarely shop here anymore, but I pay my patronage every year. The food is amazing, free, and my friends are here. This year they are not doing a build-your-own-plate buffet and in fact, they have no plates at all. Just tiny samples and finger foods. This gives me anxiety because it’s flu season, but you only live once, I guess. $6.30

7:50 p.m. — Tradition also states that we leave before the actual member meeting starts. So we do. The appetizer set up this year was a stressful experience: picture vultures around a cheese table acting like this is the last carcass on the Savannah. Still, I leave feeling pretty satisfied, which probably has something to do with eating four or five two-bite desserts. K. and I cuddle on the couch for a while and think about mixing a drink. The smoke alarm starts chirping again. We are out of whiskey AND batteries. The horror! We move to the bedroom, crank up the white noise machine, and go to sleep around 10:30.

Daily Total: $54.58

Day Seven

7:45 a.m. — I begin my morning by trying on my new Levi’s that I ordered last week. They don’t fit. Great start! Living in a ruralish area is a balance — you have no neighbors, but you also have no stores and spend at least $100 on returns year over year, or just end up owning very few things because shopping is such a bummer. I’m in both of those categories. I package them up for return and get ready for the day. Chemex filters are still pending because my shop was out, so I dust off the ol’ French Press. We are dog/house sitting this week for a friend, so I leave the door unlocked so they can drop off their crazy puppy in her crate before heading to the airport. With both K. and I traveling frequently, having a trusted friend that we can exchange dogsitting with is a huge help and saves me probably hundreds of dollars a year. I wish our culture left more room for a barter economy to exist. And yet, capitalism would still reign.

8:30 a.m. — Today feels like a good day to treat myself to a bagel. The fact that I don’t fit into my new pants is of no concern to me. I get an Everything bagel with a ramekin of cream cheese so I can eat it on my own schedule at the office. I used to have a terrible habit of eating in the car. Trying to maintain my distance from that. $3.03

11:15 a.m. — After a very productive call with one of my teammates, I decide it’s time for my bagel. I’m still sipping on my coffee too. Yeti tumblers really are essential. It’s so great in the winter when I go ice fishing or skiing.

2 p.m. — Bloomingdale’s Friends & Family sale starts today and I find a pair of AGOLDE jeans I’ve been eyeing for 25% off. Really hope these fit — I live in denim. I add in a belt with a silver buckle that really speaks to my New Mexico roots for good measure. While I’m at it, I see J. Crew is having a Friday sale and pull the trigger on two sweaters I’ve had hanging out in my cart for a few weeks. This order costs me nothing because I have a $170 gift card I’ve been holding onto for… wait for it… FOUR YEARS. Yes, someone gifted me a J. Crew gift card for my college graduation that I never used because I was working in the service industry at the time and had no need for nice clothes. The total is $136.25 with the 30% promo. So what? I was saving it for a rainy day. It is literally raining outside, so it feels appropriate. $152.40

3:22 p.m. — Eating the same thing all week saves me time and prevents food waste, but by day five I am really sick of this meal. All that is left are five measley pieces of kale. The chicken sausage is really the only thing that has held up. I whisper “calories… protein” to myself in my head as I choke down five-day-old cauliflower gnocchi.

3:49 p.m. — Craving sugar, I eat the reject orange Tootsie Pop in the communal candy jar. This is a new low for me.

4:30 p.m. — I decide to call it and stop by K.’s office on my way home after topping off my car with gas so I won’t have to bother on the weekend ($38.38). Our friends text me to let me know they are late getting out of the house to the airport and unable to drop off the dog. They live about an hour away from work so that’s kind of a bummer. K. and I strategize and decide first we need a beer, so we have a quick pint at the neighborhood pub. He pays. We head home shortly after to take care of our little guy first, and then onward to their place. $38.38

7:15 p.m. — We can’t find the dog’s extra crate, leash, or collar. There are some haphazard care instructions scribbled on the back of a Martha Stewart recipe, and there’s a cat here I’ve never seen before, so that’s how this is going so far. I knew we were looking after their two absolutely insane dogs, but they failed to mention we also had to look after three cats and a flock of 18 hens. And we need to put diesel in the tractor and give the confined and antisocial cat eardrops?! If a random person tried to pass off this level of preparation for a housesitter, I would be pissed. But these are my friends and they’ve recently fallen on some hard times and desperately need a vacation, so I’ll let bygones be bygones and try to figure out what I can. Fortunately, only one of the dogs has to come home with us tonight, the other animals have care arrangements for the weekend. I’ll have to spend some time thinking about how I will manage all of this while K. is away next week and the real work begins.

9 p.m. — While my tiny dog asserts alpha to the 50-pound puppy with a total lack of self-awareness, I reheat chicken chili and cornbread and K. queues up Spaceballs. We are doing a full day motorcycle tour for foliage tomorrow and need to get an early start. It will be a cold one but should be awesome nonetheless! As I watch the puppy topple a beer with her wagging tail onto our only rug I realize I’m in for one hell of a ride this week.

Daily Total: $193.81

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I Love My Kid, But… is Refinery29 and Red Baron‘s exploration of the honest, often unspoken, realities and challenges that come along with parenthood.

When my ex-husband’s name flashes up on my phone, early on the Saturday morning of Easter weekend, I expect to hear my daughter’s voice at the other end. She often calls me when she’s with her dad — to tell me she misses me, complain about her big brother, or ask me what her baby sister is getting up to this week. 

But it’s her dad’s voice this time, and I know from one subdued syllable — “hey” — that something is wrong. Our energetic, fearless 9-year-old girl fell off a zip slide last night and broke her arm. She’s waiting to go into surgery. He didn’t call me at 2 a.m. when they arrived at the hospital because he knew I would insist on driving there. Oh, and I’m 115 miles away.

This is when co-parenting is the hardest for me. I can handle the stuff that goes AWOL — the jackets, the socks, the homework books — somewhere between my kids’ two homes. My ex-husband and I can put up with each other’s most irritating traits because we don’t have to share a bedroom with them anymore. I can deal with the absences — or at least I’ve learned to, over the last seven years, because this is our normal. But what I’ll always struggle with is not being there when something goes wrong. 

My natural parental instinct is to fix things. I can’t fix my girl’s arm, broken above the elbow in three places in a break so bad the bone has penetrated the muscle. I can’t even be with her, at least not for another three hours. I take the quickest shower of my life, throw together an overnight bag, then get in the car and drive. 

By early afternoon I’m sitting at one side of my daughter’s hospital bed, my ex-husband on the other. “How could you let this happen?” I want to yell at him. And, “These things always happen on your watch! See that scar? The one scarily close to our daughter’s eye? That happened when she was on holiday with you!” 

But I don’t say any of this stuff, because I know I’ll stop blaming him eventually. Plus, our daughter is crying.

It’s taken my ex and I a long time to get to a place where we can be civil with each other. When we first separated, seven years ago, neither of us imagined we’d ever have anything resembling a genuine friendship. We’d have laughed if anyone had suggested it. 

Our two-year marriage hadn’t contained the right ingredients to give it the best chance at success; one of the biggest problems was that we disagreed on what those ingredients were. When it ended, we didn’t have the relief that comes with cutting all ties. Two little people kept us connected, whether we liked it or not. Communication between us took the form of combative, resentful emails — by far the most frustrating way to argue. 

We had to work hard to recognize that there were faults on both sides. There always are. Then we had to work on forgiveness. On patience. On being mindful, especially in front of our two children. On not sweating the small stuff, like The Mystery of the Disappearing Socks. Over time, we managed to talk about the differences between us without it descending into chaos. Seeing ourselves through the other parent’s eyes — in a way that I don’t think parents who live together always do, because the view is different when you’re under one roof — has given us both a certain level of self-awareness that’s been a surprisingly rewarding (and positive) repercussion of our divorce. 

The most important thing we’ve had to do is put our kids first. It’s easier than it sounds. In real life — co-parenting life — that means thinking before we speak to or about each other, letting a lot of little things go (again, the socks), and remembering that at one point we did love each other. 

Right now, my daughter’s well-being comes before any issues between her dad and I. 

The next morning, my ex arrives, arms full of Easter eggs. As always, a piece of chocolate puts a smile on our daughter’s face, if only for a moment. 

We wait for various people to check various things (blood pressure, oxygen, swelling, pain levels). In the meantime, my ex and I spend more time together than we have in years. 

We talk about normal things: my work, his work, my family, his family. It’s always strange to talk about a bunch of people who no longer feature in my life but will always be a big part of my children’s lives. Their grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins on their dad’s side are far from me geographically as well as emotionally; there’s no chance I’ll ever bump into them at the supermarket or the school gates. On the other hand, my family all live in our town — my ex even meets my dad for breakfast now and again. I realize that I enjoy learning what his parents and siblings have been up to. They’re good people. The more good people in my children’s lives, the better. 

As the hours pass, I realize how lucky I am to be in this place. Not in a hospital ward on Easter Sunday, but sitting opposite my ex-husband with no trace of bitterness, resentment, or fear. 

I know other people who co-parent with an ex, and more than 30 seconds of obligatory together-time is too much for them to bear. They can’t have the most mundane conversation about new school shoes or a dental appointment without it disintegrating into a full-scale fight about money or responsibility or some other thing that’s constantly threatening to rear its ugly head. I’ll never lose sight of the fact that this was us five years ago. It makes me even more grateful for our new place. 

Three months later, my ex-husband and I are watching our daughter swim. After so long in a cast, her recovering arm is still weak; she’s still slower than everyone else in her class. But she’s working hard to close the gap, and she’ll get there. 

By reframing my expectations of co-parenting — we’re going to make mistakes, there are going to be breakdowns in communication now and then, and some days are just going to suck — I’ve been able to focus on what matters. My kids know I’m there for them, even when I’m not. 

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